In this time and age, how do we single arab women in our thirties feel? How do we think those around us feel? What experiences do we go through, and how do these experiences affect our singlehood? Inspired from personal experience and of those of all the beautifully fabulous Arab Single Ladies out there, I hope this blog reminds us all just how amazing it is to be single! Or is it....?

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Of breakups, and their horrid aftermaths..

Things with the Italian had a rather 'abrupt' ending this week.

I am not sure if I want to think about it, or talk about it just yet, so until I am, I won't. But I am thinking about breakups, in general.

Breakups are not easy, that is a given. However, what I find logical and what I actually feel often clash. I am trying to organize my thoughts, and to get to the root of certain thoughts that are surfacing these days.

Why do I feel shame, when I go through a breakup?

Ok, logically, it doesn't make sense. If I am the one initiating the breakup, then I would have reasons for it, I want it, and I got what I wanted, so there should be no confusion there.

If I am being broken up with, then, LOGICALLY, this means that the guy doesn't really love me, for whatever deep or trivial reason he may have, and would I really want him to stay with me, if he doesn't want to? Logically, I don't. Logically, I want to be with someone who wants to pursue me and make me happy and feeling wanted for the rest of my life. So logically, logically, logically: I should be on some level ok, as a 30 year old mature woman, to accept the fact that this is not the man who will grant me what I want.

Sadness, I understand. Shame, I don't.

I feel sad after a breakup, because I tend to draw a pink picture during the relationship, and think of a million steps ahead (despite being a very wise adviser to my friends about NOT doing that). I also enjoy the feeling of being wanted and watched after. And so, regardless of who it is that I am dating, I do feel sad and empty after a relationship (that feeling usually being relevant to how deep & significant that relationship was). I mourn it, and I feel sad that those dreams that I had won't be fulfilled, and that I have to be single again.

Shame.. Why do I feel ashamed when going through a breakup?? It triggers feelings of 'not being good enough' for a guy to stick around, and makes me feel that a guy would never want to build a lifetime with me. It makes me dwell in self-pity and with sad thoughts of a lonely future. It makes me feel like a failure at relationships, and that there must be something that I am doing wrong to make it happen, again and again and again.

The mind of a woman is a very complex place, I think. If a friend of mine was honest enough to share these thoughts with me, I would immediately snap at her, tell her what she thinking is absolute rubbish, and remind her of all the women who aren't as smart, pretty, successful, mentally balanced, mature, thin, brave, intellectual, and a million other things, as she is, who are in relationships. Yet, I can't be as sincere saying that to myself! Isn't that just plain ridiculous, considering I know myself and all my strengths and good qualities better than I know those of any of my friends?

Sometimes, I feel that maybe only I have these thoughts. I mean, some of my girlfriends never express shame after a break up, and so I don't really know if these thoughts are ones that only I have, or not. But, I am such a good bluffer myself, that I seldom mention them to anyone (except for my best friend).

Maybe I have self confidence issues.

I am sad, very very sad. I haven't allowed myself to consider a relationship and take it seriously in a long long time. And mourning this is difficult. I know, through unfortunate experience, that it will pass, and that somehow I will find my strength again, and that I will be ok. But even that thought depresses me now. It makes me think: Life is so damn cruel, because we have absolutely no control over anything. And I HATE that.

I am allowed to bitch, I just went through a breakup.


  1. I believe that every girl after a breakup would have those thoughts maybe in different depths but they all fall into the same category..any event in our life that has a negative effect will have to shake us a way or another..we would feel unworthy of happiness, and we will start questioning ourselves and attitudes..however, i would disagree with u , our ability to be stronger and ok after some time is a blessing not part of life's cruelty, imagine if would never come out of miseries, how our lives are going to be?
    you are allowed to mourn as much as u want right now...because this is ur bridge to a healthy breakup after math

  2. I have to agree with you that shame is not an intuitive response to a break up. But then again the curious question that you is why would you feel that way?!

    "Feeling not good enough" as you put it is a common response to break ups. My view is that we learn from our experiences and mistakes. It is important that you reflect on your relationship in a bit of an impartial manner, and figure out what you did right and what you did wrong. Also the same for your partner who must have done some things right and others wrong. Take that knowledge and use it to better your next relationship.

    Sadness and mourning are very normal part of how we process our emotions so a grieving period is actually very healthy and I would think that someone who doesn't feel sad about a breakup is emotionally immature.

    All of us have dreams and hopes, and our relationships with other people especially those of the opposite sex (assuming a heterosexual person) are an important aspect of our lives and hopes and dreams. Disappointment and frustration are also very normal reactions to a breakup because they separate us from our hopes.

    I think the feeling of shame you describe is related to being disappointed and losing confidence in your ability to form romantic relationships.