I moved houses over the weekend, and I am IN LOVE with my new place.. I had a house-warming gathering over the weekend, a big barbecue lunch, for my parents and my cousins, to celebrate that I now have a backyard and some green spots that I own.. It was very pleasant, and the entire move and the very busy weekend were a change that I really needed.
I am seriously thinking of getting a puppy.. I adore dogs, and I can now get one since I have a little garden.. Yes, a puppy would be nice.
My spirits are picking up again, one way or the other. I want to start focusing on things that make me happy again.. I want to resume my diet, which I have abruptly stopped two weeks ago, and to go to the gym. I still am going for my Italian classes, although I skipped last week. I want to remember that my main new year resolution was to be happy, and to start doing things that move me towards that direction.
To summarize what happened with the Italian, I would say that what he basically wants is very different than what I want. Despite being 42 years, and despite the fact that he told me he wants to have kids (3 actually!) I don’t think he really wants to settle down. I, on the other hand, admit to have had a lot of flings, some of which I really enjoyed at the time. But I am done with them for now. I am looking for something else. Something deep and stable and fulfilling.
I usually say that I am not looking for marriage... That, as a matter of fact, I yearn for companionship. And I still feel that way. I want a relationship with someone with whom I can be entirely myself at all times, and with whom I can have fun with. I also really and desperately want to be with someone I can rely on. A person I can trust to love me always. If that comes in the form of marriage, then so be it. That is what I have always said.
But, on some level, I do want a marriage too. Not only for the trivial reasons of a wedding (I have chosen the dress, the theme, the center pieces, the songs..etc a couple of years ago), but because on some level, and even though I don’t like admitting this, I am programmed to believe that that is what a long real relationship is defined as. Of course, being an Arab woman as well, and despite having an open-minded and an understanding family, it is difficult to have a relationship with this ‘companion’ and share experiences in the open, unless it is defined by marriage. Practically speaking, then, I do want to get married.
A part of me is always scared to admit that, because I am scared of admitting to want something that I have no control over. I can dream of a great career, or a healthy & fit body, because I can work my way towards these goals. To admit that I want a marriage brings me to the realization that I can’t actually ‘work’ on that. I can’t do anything about it, really, because I can’t even settle for anyone who proposes through traditional marriage. I am not settling. This, I am so sure of.
So what do we, Arab women, do then?
I have mentioned before that I am a believer in The Secret, and the power of positive thinking. And this, I have control over. I can and I want to dream. About what I want, in detail. I want to be positive, and to BELIEVE. I want to stop asking for things shyly, or making excuses for things because I am too scared to believe that I will get them.
I want to get married, some day. And I want it to be a great, loving marriage.
I am going to stop (for a while) thinking about miserable marriages that I seem to be seeing everywhere around me, and notice, rather, those happy ones. I am going to look for these, and positively say to myself: I want this, too.
I am going to keep looking for wedding stuff, and enjoy the process, without dwelling about never knowing when will I ever get to actually use them..
It may all seem silly and unrealistic to some people, and even for me in my bad days. But then again, I have always been an advocate for positive thinking, and at the end of the day if I end up enjoying the process, I would be having fun either way, wouldn’t I?
I have no internet at home yet, and I am only connected through my phone’s hotspot, which makes me want to scream. I want to write so much more, but if I go on, I will end up smashing my laptop at the wall..
I am filled with love tonight.. Towards everything around me, I feel love...
Except to my internet connection!