I haven't felt as down as I feel these days, in a very long time.
It isn't about the Italian, as much as it is this feeling of being tired, exhausted, consumed, all the time. I can't talk to my friends. In fact, I have been playing a game of avoidance, all week long. I just have no strength, nor ability, to have conversations.
Messages are easier, they can't sense my tone, or see facial expressions. It is actual conversations that I can't seem to bear. At the same time, I have a constant feeling of feeling guilty towards them. The, being my best friend, my cousin with whom I have been staying for a week now, people at work. I feel guilty because people are being nice to me, and I do like that, I enjoy it.. But I can't be nice back, or talk, or feel better.
The pills I took to quit smoking are probably the reason. I know these are the side effects, and even though it has been 8 days since I stopped them, I still am suffering of the effects.. It'll pass, everything does.
Yesterday, at a social commitment that I couldn't possibly escape, I got stuck in a car with a couple that I know. The woman was being extremely irritating! For starters, she talks non-stop. Her husband was driving, and she was literally giving a continuous stream of driving rules: Take a right, avoid that car, what's that stupid guy doing, give a signal, straighten your back.. I swear, it was non-stop! The husband took it, as naturally as she was giving it. It was obvious that he was so used to it, that he probably didn't notice it anymore. For the entire evening we spent together, the wife was giving the man continuous orders and instructions about this, that or the other.
And I was thinking, this horrible depressing sad thought: How could she be in a relationship, and how could I be single?!!
I know this is an illogical question, and that there are no answers to such questions, nor any comfort that comes from it. I know also, that she probably is a nice woman, and that she deserves to be happy as much as anyone does. I know that I am being childishly selfish and that I am wallowing in self-pity..
There is no 'but' to follow this sentence. I just wanted to state that I know, all of the above.
Am I going to die alone?