The Blues

I have been feeling down, oh so down, lately..

I am on the anti-smoking medication, and have successfully started my 5th week as a non smoker this morning. I know a lot of my depression is because of the medication, so I try not to make a big deal out of it, but I am still depressed at the end of the day. And I have been avoiding writing, or even talking with my best friend, because I want to not think about things. But I am overwhelmed, and I need to vent out. Maybe if I do, the depression will seep out, slowly.

Things with the Italian are settling down, and the fact is he is there, and I am here, and that this is not easy. He obviously is a very busy man too. So, we do touch base every once in a while, but the fact is that long term relationships suck. They absolutely do, and a lot of the 'normal' relationship stuff are not doable.

But, I am giving it a shot, since it is beautiful and unique. I have absolutely no clue where it is heading though.

My cousin just got engaged, and I am very excited for her. She is 38 years old, and has been waiting for it to happen for quiet some time. Her fiance is 10 years younger than she is, though. Personally, I have always liked older guys. I am not sure how she feels about it though, because most women follow the roles they have to follow. You get engaged, you dress up, and smile. Does she have concerns that are weighing down on her, and that she cannot share with anyone? Are these the normal concerns every bride-to-be has, or is it worse, because of the age difference? And does she feel she settled for less than she deserves, because she ran out of options? I don't know the answers. Who says the guy needs to be older, anyway? Do I really like older guys, or was I programmed to like them, since this usually is the case?

I just hope she is happy.

On another note, I was going through my facebook profile last night, when I noticed an ex-colleague of mine had uploaded a new photo album. She is a filipina, and I, out of boredom, flipped through the album.. Soon enough, looking at the pictures, I was crying. I know it probably is the medicine, but I still think it was very sad.

The bride was getting ready for her wedding in her very simple looking room, aka house. Her girl friends were there, applying her make up, doing her hair and nails for her. Her dress, an extremely simple one, is being sown by her friends in that room. She obviously is very poor, and she is very happy.

The pictures then are in some consulate or something, with dozens of filipino couples, all being married together. There are no celebrations of any sort, but the couples, though very poor looking, seem to be very happy.

I do not know this woman, she's a friend of my ex-colleague who uploaded the photos. I do wish her all the happiness there is in the world, though. As I looked at the pictures, I hoped that despite the extreme poverty she is in, that she feels her knight has arrived, and that for the rest of her life, someone will love her and consider her his companion. She will go to sleep every night knowing that someone will be there, no matter what. She will imagine her older years, and someone else will be in that picture..

Love.. I so badly miss love.

There are days when I am happy with my singlehood, and I don't want it changed. There are other days though that I feel I pretend I do, because I have no other choice. I will not settle, of that I am very sure. But, I find it difficult sometimes to be ok with the idea of not knowing what is going to happen. If only I can know, I will come to terms with it. By not knowing, I switch from one mood to another, from being strong, to needing someone, to cursing all men that God had ever created..

I have the blues.. And I wish for someone to share them with.