I just got back from the gym, where I had spent an hour playing squash.. Still sweating, I felt I needed to write this, while my adrenaline is still pumping, and my spirits are soaring high.
In this Italian adventure that I am living these days, and in every other previous relationship, I have mostly doubted the intentions of the guys I dated. If someone sends me flowers, surprises me with an unexpected gift, or even is sweet to me, my suspicions arise. Why would they be particularly nice to me? Could it be too good to be true?
I have had several thoughts of 'how can this Italian hunk be into me, when he is in Rome & Milan, surrounded by Italian gorgeous women all day', and 'Why would a fairy tale like the train story happen to me, specifically?'
And today, sweating, and with every single muscle in my body aching, I found out the answer..
When I go to the gym, try to quit smoking, eat healthy, learn a new language, leave my bed and my house and comfort zone and go out and meet people and do things for me, when I do all these things, I am LOVING me. And if I love me, if I really believe that me deserves love, and deserves a quality life-style, and deserves taking care of, then it is easier to accept that someone else would love me. It is easier to actually accept that unless someone loves me, as in falls head over heels, tries to pursue me in every possible way and prove to me that they are worth my 'quality' time, then I don't want them for me. That if that person hurts me in any way, then I will stand up for myself, and will realize that it is not my loss. I love me. I take care of me. 'Me' is worth loving, and worth taking care of.
I have given this speech, one way or another, to so many girlfriends before, and I meant it. Yet, it isn't as easy to give it to myself sometimes. Because I know the faults of this 'me', I see the shortcomings, and the imperfections. But I am telling you ladies, this 'me', and the 'me' inside each and every one of you, is so damn worth loving, and taking care of.
There are days that I just numb myself through by watching 'Grey's Anatomy' back to back, until I can't think straight and fall asleep. There are weekends that I spend entirely in bed, all day long. And I hate these days, I hate the time that is wasted from my life, that is not being spent doing happy things for myself, loving myself, pursuing myself.
So, I wanted to write this down, and capture these moments (these are my diaries after all), and remind myself of how great it makes me feel that I do things for myself, and that I do indeed deserve all the good things that happen in my life. That I am a woman, well worth loving.
And I do hope that one day, another woman would read these words, and realize that the first step to accepting love from someone else, is sweating like crazy :)
Now, I leave you all to go shower before I stink, and dry my hair (even though the thought of stretching my sore hands over my hand sounds like torture right now!) and go out of my house and meet friends, and have a good time, and enjoy life.
After all, my Italian chef said it best: La vita e bellisima!
Have a great weekend everyone!