In my head is a prayer that has been trying to transform itself into words for over a week now. I believe in signs, and so last night, when I picked up ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ which I had read a couple of years back, and opened the book to where my favourite part of the story is; when Elizabeth writes her petition to God, I realized it was time for me to start working on my own, in detail.
My prayer is continuous and as large as life. It is difficult to express it so many times, that it stubbornly keeps pushing itself to the back of my head, successfully convincing me that it will come out in due time, in better form, later.. Always later..
But I realize that it doesn’t need to be glamorous, nor polished. It doesn’t need to impress, or flatter. As long as it comes right out of my heart, I would be happy with it.
I have always had a stormy relationship with God, and I realize that although I haven’t always spoken to Him (or Her), or ever been able to rationalize my relationship with Him (which I am ok with, having long ago believed that was impossible), it was always a full relationship. What is a relationship anyway? Isn’t it the ability to connect to someone, no matter on what level, at some point of time? Well, I have always had that. I have always felt close to God, and that we have a secret connection that only we can feel. I don’t understand it, many a times. But I always feel it. Always.
The God I believe in is loving in ways that no one, and definitely myself, can fully absorb. I have often thought of His opinion towards certain decisions of my life. And sometimes, in decisions that I believed deep inside He wouldn’t be so happy about, I believed that He would be compassionate enough to understand them, even more than I do.
I have heard lots of people debating why God would allow certain things to happen. And while I don’t have enough knowledge to debate that, or the ability of nodding my head to ‘things always happen for a reason’ when I can’t see that reason in my ignorance, I find it peaceful to believe that He is merciful enough to accept that I don’t have to know the reasons. I believe, in ways some people are cursed not to understand, that He takes matters into His own hands, and that I don’t have to always understand. I mean, think about it. There are always certain points of time when we feel: you know what, I don’t know how to do this, let someone else do it. And I have always found peace in that idea with things I don’t understand with God. I don’t understand them, but I have peace in the idea of that He does, and He will deal with it, and I don’t have to think about it anymore. And I realize that this peace isn’t for everyone, and that certain people have difficulties grasping that thought. But I, again for reasons I don’t fully comprehend, simply do.
I want to pray to the loving God who loves me, and who I know want what’s best for me. I believe that when I am happy, He is too, and that when I pass through rough patches, it is mostly His work that gets me out of it. Oh dear, I don’t mean to preach. But I just have been experiencing His peace and love so much, that I find it difficult not to dwell on it, and get philosophical.
Now, I also believe prayer isn’t as easy as it sounds. Often, I don’t pray because I am not sure what I want to pray for. Prayer, in my world of thoughts, is not about expressing love to God. That, I do every day. I do it sometimes when I hear beautiful music, or when I experience the peace and joy of spending time with my parents. When such happy moments occur, God is always in my thoughts. I always think of God when I am joyous, and secretly whisper thanks to Him, for His endless love and attention to detail. I also think of Him in times of sorrow, asking Him to look at me in that moment, and lift me up. And He always does. Never did he fail me in any way. And if out of nothing but experience, I have come to trust Him because of that.
But I believe God wants me to pray for what I want, and ask Him for it. I once believed in the idea that I shouldn’t ask Him for specific things that I wanted, as if that would be too arrogant or shallow. But I have come to realize that that is a ridiculous thought! Why shouldn’t I speak to my best confidant about what it is exactly that I want?! And if I believe in His endless and unconditional love for me, why then would I believe He would judge me for asking Him for what I want, regardless of how trivial that may be in the bigger picture of the universe? I believe God wants me to seek Him, in everything, big or small, important or not. I believe what He cares about is establishing a continuous level of communication, because He loves me, and don’t we all love spending time with those we love?
And so I am going to start directing my wants and needs to Him, in every tiny detail. I have just said that He has never failed me, and so my greatest confidence is in the fact that He never will. He will meet every desire I ask Him for. And I will be as detailed and as specific as I can be. I will ask Him relentlessly, and then wait in patience for Him to give. In every religion, He has told me to seek and I shall find, and so I will.