How much do looks matter?

So, a friend came over to visit last night.

My friend is a civil engineer, and she is a very pretty girl. She is smart, and funny, albeit a bit traditional when it comes to certain schools of thought. I generally enjoy spending time with her, and find that we can mostly get a serious and an interesting conversation going. Anyway, she came over last night, and as we sat on the balcony enjoying an argileh, she told me that someone had just introduced her to a guy who is looking for a wife. A traditional way of proposing, which she is ok with, in general.

So as we sat there discussing the details, she told me that she had agreed to get introduced to the guy. They started by exchanging phone numbers, and texting each other, and a couple of phone calls. The guy finally asked her out for dinner. She said he was such a gentleman, had brought her chocolates, was very considerate and polite. The surprise, or rather the shock, though, was that when they met, she realized that he had had some kind of skin disease, (of which he told her he was fully recovered, now), that had caused ALL his hair to fall off, and it will never grow back.

All his hair meant the hair on his head, any hair on his body, and most importantly, no eyebrows.

Now, my friend was polite enough to go through the dinner with him, and she actually said that once you get over the initial shock of his looks, he really is a nice guy. She went home, though, and decided that she cannot go through with this, as his looks were just too difficult to bear. Her mother, though, gave her the advice to give herself some time, go out a couple of more times with him, and see if she still feels the same way about him. She decided to take her mother’s advice, and so, last night, she told me that they have gone out three times so far, as well as exchanging phone calls and messages.

She then mentioned that the more she spends time with him, the more she realizes that he is actually a decent guy, a gentleman, and that she feels comfortable around him.  Now, she asked me what I thought, and whether or not I believed she should give him a chance. She also showed me a photo, and yes, the eyebrows were a little bit too much.

I didn’t give her an answer, because there never is a correct answer if a friend asks you what you think of a suitor, and because that is a decision she needs to take on her own. But, it got me thinking: would I be willing to spend the rest of my life with a hairless eyebrow-less man?

In my opinion, it is one thing to fall in love with someone who has a medical condition, or who goes through one while you are together. But it is entirely different to decide to accept a traditional marriage proposal with someone as such. Or am I wrong? I mean, would a man accept marrying a woman, through a traditional proposal, if she had no eyebrows? I really really doubt it, and why should a woman accept one, then?

Also, if she got over his looks, would she be able to get over the looks of other people as they walk down the street?

I know I sound very very shallow, but it really got me thinking about what point does the compromise end? Are looks important? Are they more important for women than to men ? And when does a girl decide that it is too much to overlook?

I would love to hear your opinions on this, men and women. I would love to see if you agree to my point of view, or if there are other opinions out there, keeping in mind that it is a traditional marriage proposal, with no love story behind.

The 'joy' of cooking?!

I have big dinner plans tonight.

My boyfriend’s brother is in town, and we met (for the first time), last night. Being the Arab that I am, it was essential to invite, and insist and insist and insist, him over for dinner tonight. And of course, it is as equally important to impress. And although it I am generally a good cook, the striving to impress usually ends up in a disaster.

When I started dating my boyfriend, I made him a lasagna. It was the first dinner I had cooked him, and we were still in the ‘does he like me?/ is he just being nice?’ phase, and so, the pressure to impress was a million times higher. Why, oh why, do women think that the ability to cook a decent meal will make a man get down on his knees and vow his endless love? I mean, seriously, what do we expect, when we cook, and all our senses are directed towards that first bite he takes, just so we can make out whether we passed or failed that critical exam?! What is even more maddening, is the fact that 9 times out of 10, they don’t even notice what it is that they just placed in their mouth!

So, anyway, I was going to make a lasagna. The decision to cook that not random, of course! It was after detailed and careful surveys that I ran across every single person I ever served food for, as well as a week of browsing the internet for meal ideas for ‘the first big dinner’. You know, like Cosmopolitan would suggest something not complicated but not too easy, to show him you’re a woman who loves a challenge. Yes, apparently, what you cook, ladies, defines your character.

After work, I passed by the grocery store to pick up the ingredients I need, got home, took a nap (to ensure my beauty is also well looked after), and then decided it was time to start cooking. Little did I know that I had run out of gas. So, after starting my music in the kitchen, trying to get the mood right, all hell broke loose, not only because I ran out of gas, but because I have NO IDEA how to change a gas cylinder. The clock was ticking, and what if I don’t make the meal in time? What if I lose the possibility of a life changing heart melting everlasting love, because I ran out of the stupid gas!

So I texted a friend, and not-so-patiently waited for them to come over, and then we both went out and got a gas cylinder, and changed the stupid thing, before I literally threw out  my friend, to try and focus again on the big meal. I had lost a lot of time, and the thought of not getting everything ready in time (and thus, according to the theory above, losing all hope left in humanity), only added to the pressure. So, I get started with the white sauce, and without unnecessary embarrassing details, and despite having made lasagna at least 150 times over the past couple of years, I failed not once, but TWICE, in making the damn thing represent anything other than a slimey white water with chinks of flour floating on top. Not once, I tell you. And because the clock was REALLy ticking now, I had no time to deal with the mess, and so, my beautiful guest room housed two big pots of that slime, for the night.

And I locked the door to that room, of course.

Thankfully, the third time was a charm, and miraculously, a white sauce presented itself. By the time my boyfriend arrived, the lasagna was ‘safely’ in the oven, and everything looked normal.

Over a year later, we still laugh about that story, and we mostly eat out nowadays, or ‘modestly’ cook some meals at home. And if it is ruined, we throw it out, and we laugh.

I am looking forward to tonight, and I know that the stress is way less now. And as a last piece of advice, let me tell you that my boyfriend says that stress or no stress, lasagna or a cheese sandwich, if he loves you, he loves you.

So enjoy cooking, normally. Oh, and do what I did, and move to an apartment with gas pipes :)

Re-starting!

So I decided, or rather, I was made to promise that I will write again, today. 

Why have I stopped? I sometimes think that writing can be a bit too real. I mean, listing down your feelings, facing them and analyzing them, deciding how to label a certain situation, because your writing will always lead the conversation into a certain direction.. This all had made me believe that it is somehow difficult, especially on the not so good days.


On the other hand, there are the disappointments sometimes. You start a story, you know, like ‘The Good Story’ and then it is over, in a way that derives it from all meaning it ever had, and that is normal, I suppose. That is how life is, like it or not (Ah, the wisdom of being 33!) But still, you  don’t want to read, (and in my case re-read and re-read and RE-READ the story, the hopes, the prayers, a million times!)


Then, there are the good times, in fairness. The good times that are so drunkenly good that it seems you don’t want to turn your attention from, for a single moment. You want to be there, in that moment, and everything else just falls in the background. You have no time to even share the good news, or write, or even contemplate. You just want to keep going- and never ever stop.

But I have always wanted to write, I wanted to express the person I am, and I have always been best doing so in writing. I like telling stories, and listening to them, and analyzing them, and thinking of different scenarios. And it is time for more stories, God knows it is.

 I am in love. 

Simply put, and straight to the point. I am a woman in love, and for that life seems to be a much nicer place these days. Love balances me, and holds me still- in a good way, and pushes me forward, in even a better way. I am in love. 

What is the difference, then, between being in a relationship, and being single? Do we stop being who we are? Do our insecurities become less obvious, and do you share them, all of them, with the person you love? 

I must say that I am blessed with being in love with a reasonable man. A man, who looks at me, and I kid you not, from that one look, he can know exactly what is in my head. That truly is a blessing, because I am unable to hide anything from him, even if I ever wanted to do so. 

But I do still have my insecurities. I think that it is not about sharing them or not, but it is more of whether I want to think about them, or not. Because most of the times, I don’t want to think about them, myself. 

Well, this is a start, or rather, a re-start. I have had a good 22 months away. I have quit smoking a little over a year ago, I have lost all the weight I wanted to lose. I have travelled more, read more, got to know myself more. I have met an amazing man, and for the first time in my life, celebrated a one year anniversary, in a real relationship. Like grown ups. Honest to God. 

And here I am again, ready to share my diaries, again.

Here's to a great 2013!!

It has been almost a year since I last wrote anything, despite the thoughts that lingered at the back of my head every once in a while, asking to come out. Yet, I believe I needed the peace and quiet of not analyzing every though I have, at least for some time.. It has actually been a good year, in general.. And I have more hopes and dreams and philosophies for this one.. I got a dog last May, a toy poodle puppy, which is turning to be one of the best companions I have ever had. He is now almost one year old, and it is remarkable seeing him grow up, and going through phases. We communicate in our own ways, we go on walks, we have plenty of fun playing with each other, and I adore him.. I took my mom to Russia for her 60th birthday gift last August, and we had a wonderful time. There was so much to see. It is one of the few countries that can still surprise you, in these ‘globalized’ times, with so much history and so many stories. I felt like I was moving in a different times, as I moved from one city to another, and had a great time imagining the many stories that must have happened around every other corner.. I dated, of course.. There was the ‘yeller’, the guy who actually seemed to be normal, for a change, until he yelled at me on our 4th or 5th date, and I mean screamed his lungs off. Then there was the cocky guy who after our first date texted me to tell me ‘he doesn’t want to tell whether or not he likes me, as he wants to OBSERVE for a while, before deciding the way forward’, as if I had no say in that. And then there was the joker who was unable to go complete a sentence before breaking into the dumbest giggles I have ever heard. Yes, it was a good year indeed. I also had a pleasant surprise from a friend who had hurt my feelings a couple of years ago, whereby I got a very surprising email from her, apologizing and giving me a closure that I think I needed. I don’t think we can ever be friends again, but receiving that email from her was something I well appreciated, especially as I never would have expected it. I started smoking again, which I know isn’t the smartest thing to do, especially since I quit for 6 months and so was able to know the difference. But hey, I can always try again, until I succeed for good, I suppose.. My cousin came for a visit and stayed with me for 6 weeks, during which I realized how much I love her, and how valuable our friendship is. We had lived together before, 10 whole years ago, and in this stay, I realized how she will always be a part of my history, and my future.. I love you, Ray.. This year brings with it lots of new hopes and new resolutions.. There will be new stories, some good and some not as good, I suppose.. I am excited, optimistic, and at peace.. Let the new stories begin!

A Metallic Blue Color!

I coloured my nails a metallic blue color, and somehow, that took away my blue feelings of the past few days.

The story began when I decided to go to the salon, freshen up my nails and blow dry my hair. And as the manicurist asked me to choose my color, I automatically started looking at shades of dark red or light pinks, these being the safest colors to wear with dark suits to the office, and which would match almost anything I’d wear. But for some reason, and at the last minute, I decided that I don’t want a safe color. Almost out-loud, I told myself: You know what? Choose whatever crazy color you would like to wear and forget about what color you should wear..

And so, I turned to a color I never tried before: Metallic Blue. I coloured my nails a metallic blue color, and it made me feel in control.
I coloured my nails a metallic blue color, and I felt liberated for a brief moment, because I simply had the ability to do something that doesn’t even make sense!

I coloured my nails a metallic blue color, and it made me feel sexy, despite my extra kilos and my grown brows. It made me feel unique, special.. Wild..

I coloured my nails a metallic blue color and it made me feel like a rebel over all the other things that I do every day, and excel at, but do not enjoy. I coloured my nails with a color that would make everyone who looks at them squint their eyes in surprise, yet, it would make me feel like I don’t care. Even if I really do.

I coloured my nails a metallic blue color, and decided that from now on, I will look for the little joys of everyday, joys that may not make sense to anyone else but me, but that that is ok. In fact, that is all I want.

Go ahead ladies, and find your own shade, today!

Things I needed to let off my chest..

I’ve had a very rough weekend.

I had, actually, been looking to the weekend all week long. I had invited the family over, extended family as well, and planned it to be a smooth, relaxing time, for everyone involved. I am a hostess, by nature, and I love having people over.

But the twist of events that took place eventually was so weird that it looks like a scene taken out of a very imaginative brain of a playwright. I do not usually have these ‘scenes’ in my house, and I feel very uncomfortable witnessing one if i had to. And so, needless to say, this weekend left me very disturbed and unsettled.

The thing is, sometimes, i feel i lose control over myself. It is not my actions, but my thoughts, that i lose control over (it takes a whole lot to make me lose control of my actions, but it does happen once every blue moon). And today, i felt i did lose control of my stream of thoughts, and that made me feel extremely annoyed with myself, and everyone around me.

And when i feel that way, i get defensive.

I like to think that i am aware of my faults, since i really believe that that is the first (and only!) way to eventually get over them. And I know I get defensive sometimes, and that I need to get over that as well.

Not sure if I am making any sense.

I also have told myself, and my best friends, so many times before, that i hate being dramatic, or feeling like a victim. Because I know that I still do sometimes, even despite fierce efforts of consciously fighting it. The world is a fierce place, that tries to take everyone down every single day. We go through our lives, with an instinct of survival and a tendency of being happy. But just as we think we had set smooth sail, something or the other bangs us right in the face, and takes it away. Then, with the blessings of God and the miracle of growing up, we pick up the pieces, miraculously, one way or the other, and we try to move on. Then it happens again, and again, and again. Then it gets engraved in our heads and hearts, that it is just the way life is.

Maybe it just is the way I am, maybe i am generalizing. A part of me started this blog to share these crazy thoughts, and see if someone else connects to it. I have over 1,000 likes on facebook now, and that gives me some peace. It makes me feel that some people can miraculously understand what a weird person i am sometimes.

Someone once told me that we need to understand why we think or react in a certain way sometimes. And i try that. I try squeezing my thoughts into trying to remember incidents that i believe may have ended up making me feel the way i feel about a certain thing. But i don’t think i am good at that. And maybe its because I cant understand what the benefit of that would be anyway. I wish someone would tell me that. I wish there was a clear cut manual for that.

I am sitting here on a quiet corner of the beach, with my laptop and a book for back up if i need it. And around me a few little boys playing on the sand. The weather is beautiful, with a light cool breeze, and the chattering of the boys give me peace. I want that ease, and the comfort of throwing sand all over my head, and feeling that that would give me bliss.

How can an intention be so pure, and an outcome be so evil?

Gratitude Journal, 8th of March

- I am grateful for the music I heard on my way to the office today, as it gave me a lot of peace that I needed to feel.
- I am grateful for the unexpected but much needed hug my friend gave me today, and the love I felt in that hug.
- I am grateful for the fact that I bumped my car stupidly into another car today, but both cars had no scratches on them.
- I am so very grateful the weekend is just about to start, and I will get to spend time with my family, especially my 4 year old nephew.
- And since it's Women's Day today, I am much grateful for being a woman. I love being one, I love my mom, my sister, my girlfriends, and all the other women that I don't even know.

Gratitude Journal, 5th of March

- I am grateful for the serenity I felt tonight, as I sat outside and meditated for some time. Haven't felt this peaceful in a long time.
- I am grateful for the easy day I had, considering it's the first day of my dieting again. It was very smooth and breezy.
- I am grateful for the money I got back from my previous landlord. Completely unexpected, and came as a nice surprise.
- I am grateful for the fact that my long estranged uncle has been loving and warm for the past month, and for the change he is going through. We are spending beautiful times together.
- I am grateful for the company of my cousin these days. We shared some really good laughs today!

To God..

In my head is a prayer that has been trying to transform itself into words for over a week now. I believe in signs, and so last night, when I picked up ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ which I had read a couple of years back, and opened the book to where my favourite part of the story is; when Elizabeth writes her petition to God, I realized it was time for me to start working on my own, in detail.

My prayer is continuous and as large as life. It is difficult to express it so many times, that it stubbornly keeps pushing itself to the back of my head, successfully convincing me that it will come out in due time, in better form, later.. Always later..

But I realize that it doesn’t need to be glamorous, nor polished. It doesn’t need to impress, or flatter. As long as it comes right out of my heart, I would be happy with it.

I have always had a stormy relationship with God, and I realize that although I haven’t always spoken to Him (or Her), or ever been able to rationalize my relationship with Him (which I am ok with, having long ago believed that was impossible), it was always a full relationship. What is a relationship anyway? Isn’t it the ability to connect to someone, no matter on what level, at some point of time? Well, I have always had that. I have always felt close to God, and that we have a secret connection that only we can feel. I don’t understand it, many a times. But I always feel it. Always.

The God I believe in is loving in ways that no one, and definitely myself, can fully absorb. I have often thought of His opinion towards certain decisions of my life. And sometimes, in decisions that I believed deep inside He wouldn’t be so happy about, I believed that He would be compassionate enough to understand them, even more than I do.

I have heard lots of people debating why God would allow certain things to happen. And while I don’t have enough knowledge to debate that, or the ability of nodding my head to ‘things always happen for a reason’ when I can’t see that reason in my ignorance, I find it peaceful to believe that He is merciful enough to accept that I don’t have to know the reasons. I believe, in ways some people are cursed not to understand, that He takes matters into His own hands, and that I don’t have to always understand. I mean, think about it. There are always certain points of time when we feel: you know what, I don’t know how to do this, let someone else do it. And I have always found peace in that idea with things I don’t understand with God. I don’t understand them, but I have peace in the idea of that He does, and He will deal with it, and I don’t have to think about it anymore. And I realize that this peace isn’t for everyone, and that certain people have difficulties grasping that thought. But I, again for reasons I don’t fully comprehend, simply do.


I want to pray to the loving God who loves me, and who I know want what’s best for me. I believe that when I am happy, He is too, and that when I pass through rough patches, it is mostly His work that gets me out of it. Oh dear, I don’t mean to preach. But I just have been experiencing His peace and love so much, that I find it difficult not to dwell on it, and get philosophical.

Now, I also believe prayer isn’t as easy as it sounds. Often, I don’t pray because I am not sure what I want to pray for. Prayer, in my world of thoughts, is not about expressing love to God. That, I do every day. I do it sometimes when I hear beautiful music, or when I experience the peace and joy of spending time with my parents. When such happy moments occur, God is always in my thoughts. I always think of God when I am joyous, and secretly whisper thanks to Him, for His endless love and attention to detail. I also think of Him in times of sorrow, asking Him to look at me in that moment, and lift me up. And He always does. Never did he fail me in any way. And if out of nothing but experience, I have come to trust Him because of that.

But I believe God wants me to pray for what I want, and ask Him for it. I once believed in the idea that I shouldn’t ask Him for specific things that I wanted, as if that would be too arrogant or shallow. But I have come to realize that that is a ridiculous thought! Why shouldn’t I speak to my best confidant about what it is exactly that I want?! And if I believe in His endless and unconditional love for me, why then would I believe He would judge me for asking Him for what I want, regardless of how trivial that may be in the bigger picture of the universe? I believe God wants me to seek Him, in everything, big or small, important or not. I believe what He cares about is establishing a continuous level of communication, because He loves me, and don’t we all love spending time with those we love?

And so I am going to start directing my wants and needs to Him, in every tiny detail. I have just said that He has never failed me, and so my greatest confidence is in the fact that He never will. He will meet every desire I ask Him for. And I will be as detailed and as specific as I can be. I will ask Him relentlessly, and then wait in patience for Him to give. In every religion, He has told me to seek and I shall find, and so I will.

Gratitude Journal, 4th of March

- I am grateful for the delicious food that my mom gave me over the weekend, which I cooked today and enjoyed, with my cousin.
- I am grateful for the peaceful time that I spent reading in my backyard.
- I am very grateful for the beautifully cool weather these days, unlike the norm in this time of the year.
- I am grateful for the somewhat relaxed day I had in the office today, after last week's madness.
- I am grateful for the level of closeness I feel to my mom. I adore my mom.

Gratitude Journal, 2nd of March

- I am grateful for the relaxing time that I spent with my family today, especially with my brother.
- I am grateful for the fact that my nephew asked me to join him on his fun day out, for the first time :)
- I am grateful that I took my mom shopping and we had a great girl day out
- I am grateful for my hair.. I love my hair..
- I am grateful that I was able to be less tense than I was for the last few days, and instead feel relaxed and at peace.

Gratitude Journal, 1st of March

In the spirit of the moment, here goes!

- I am grateful for the great time I had with my visiting friend.
- I am grateful for my Oprah magazine, and the soothing time I spent with it today.
- I am grateful for the lovely ladies who cleaned my house today, and made it shine & sparkle!
- I am grateful for the relaxed time I spent with my difficult uncle today.
- I am grateful for the weekend which is just about to start!

Good night, world!

An 'Aha' moment of my own!

There is a day every month, that I get super excited.

I subscribed to Oprah's magazine last November, and ever since, the day I get her magazine, I feel like a little girl unwrapping a new Barbie doll, as I look at the magazine cover and see the titles of all the great articles that I know I will enjoy reading.

Now, I am not advertising for Oprah, or her magazine, but I just finished reading a couple of articled in this month's magazine, that made me soak in a reflective mood. It gave me such peace, that I felt I had to vent out this overwhelming feeling of contentment they gave me.

In the first few pages of each issue, is a page called 'The Sparks'. It usually has 4 creative people (writers, dancers, pottery makers...etc) answering a few simple questions (something like: If I were a color, I'd be...). This month, one of the questions was: I often imagine myself...

The 4 answers were:

- Playing an instrument.
- Taking a different road in life. What if I had continued dancing instead of becoming an English major?
- Building floor-to-ceiling bookshelves in every room of my home and filling them with novels, memoirs, and collections of poetry.
- Renovating a little beach house. I day dream about how I'd decorate it.

And as I read these reflections of really successful people, a thought suddenly hit me! These people often imagined (and obviously enjoyed the process of imagining) things that they get to do on their own. I am not sure if this was intended to be noticed, or that my genius genes grasped it all on its own. Regardless, the ides was very exciting and soothing to me.

I have often had days when my entire mood would drastically swing, up and down, in close connection to those around me. A fun day would be a day with people to hang out with. Life would only be perfect with a boyfriend. Work would only be pleasant if there are people to mingle with. And I have recently started realizing that it is so tiring to involve so many people in my state of mind, at all times.

I find it exciting to think of enjoyable things that I can do on my own. Through imagination, (and maybe some imagination), I would be able to come up with a list of things that I can do on my own, not to impress anyone, not to make my parents proud, not to maintain a certain social class, but for the mere bliss of HAVING A GOOD TIME.

And as soon as I read those words, I came here to write this, because this, the writing, is one of the things that I enjoy the most.

Reading was also one of my favorite past times as well. Cooking is another, and so is singing to my karaoke set, alone. A long drive, with good music on. Weirdly, a day in the office on the weekend, when I can achieve so much while no one is around to interrupt, my music is on aloud, and while I can work in jeans and sneakers.

This reminds me of something else that I have seen on Oprah's show last year, and which I had planned to do a long time ago, but like so many other things, I've failed to stick to. Keeping a gratitude journal. Basically, the idea is to come up with 5 things that I feel grateful for, every day. They could be as simple as finding an unexpected parking spot, or as essential as realizing that my best friend is my backbone. And from today onwards, I am going to stick to this journal, and will be posting my gratitude notes here every night, to try to stick to it, and see if this peaceful feeling continues.

We Arab single Arab women have so much to be grateful for. Life does not revolve around hunting for a husband and making babies. It does not revolve around maintaining certain social images that we sometimes feel obligated to keep.

In a very positive sense (a lot more positive than it will sound): Screw the world, I am happy.

A good move

I moved houses over the weekend, and I am IN LOVE with my new place.. I had a house-warming gathering over the weekend, a big barbecue lunch, for my parents and my cousins, to celebrate that I now have a backyard and some green spots that I own.. It was very pleasant, and the entire move and the very busy weekend were a change that I really needed.

I am seriously thinking of getting a puppy.. I adore dogs, and I can now get one since I have a little garden.. Yes, a puppy would be nice.

My spirits are picking up again, one way or the other. I want to start focusing on things that make me happy again.. I want to resume my diet, which I have abruptly stopped two weeks ago, and to go to the gym. I still am going for my Italian classes, although I skipped last week. I want to remember that my main new year resolution was to be happy, and to start doing things that move me towards that direction.

To summarize what happened with the Italian, I would say that what he basically wants is very different than what I want. Despite being 42 years, and despite the fact that he told me he wants to have kids (3 actually!) I don’t think he really wants to settle down. I, on the other hand, admit to have had a lot of flings, some of which I really enjoyed at the time. But I am done with them for now. I am looking for something else. Something deep and stable and fulfilling.

I usually say that I am not looking for marriage... That, as a matter of fact, I yearn for companionship. And I still feel that way. I want a relationship with someone with whom I can be entirely myself at all times, and with whom I can have fun with. I also really and desperately want to be with someone I can rely on. A person I can trust to love me always. If that comes in the form of marriage, then so be it. That is what I have always said.

But, on some level, I do want a marriage too. Not only for the trivial reasons of a wedding (I have chosen the dress, the theme, the center pieces, the songs..etc a couple of years ago), but because on some level, and even though I don’t like admitting this, I am programmed to believe that that is what a long real relationship is defined as. Of course, being an Arab woman as well, and despite having an open-minded and an understanding family, it is difficult to have a relationship with this ‘companion’ and share experiences in the open, unless it is defined by marriage. Practically speaking, then, I do want to get married.

A part of me is always scared to admit that, because I am scared of admitting to want something that I have no control over. I can dream of a great career, or a healthy & fit body, because I can work my way towards these goals. To admit that I want a marriage brings me to the realization that I can’t actually ‘work’ on that. I can’t do anything about it, really, because I can’t even settle for anyone who proposes through traditional marriage. I am not settling. This, I am so sure of.

So what do we, Arab women, do then?

I dream.

I have mentioned before that I am a believer in The Secret, and the power of positive thinking. And this, I have control over. I can and I want to dream. About what I want, in detail. I want to be positive, and to BELIEVE. I want to stop asking for things shyly, or making excuses for things because I am too scared to believe that I will get them.
I want to get married, some day. And I want it to be a great, loving marriage.
I am going to stop (for a while) thinking about miserable marriages that I seem to be seeing everywhere around me, and notice, rather, those happy ones. I am going to look for these, and positively say to myself: I want this, too.
I am going to keep looking for wedding stuff, and enjoy the process, without dwelling about never knowing when will I ever get to actually use them..

It may all seem silly and unrealistic to some people, and even for me in my bad days. But then again, I have always been an advocate for positive thinking, and at the end of the day if I end up enjoying the process, I would be having fun either way, wouldn’t I?


I have no internet at home yet, and I am only connected through my phone’s hotspot, which makes me want to scream. I want to write so much more, but if I go on, I will end up smashing my laptop at the wall..

I am filled with love tonight.. Towards everything around me, I feel love...
Except to my internet connection!

My Valentine..

I went to Virgin Mega Stores last night, and spent a fortune.. I bought some very good CDs though.. I love the music collection they have.. I love the song 'La vie en rose' by Edith Piaf, and I found a new version:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0qQycHDaVw

And it just gave me a feeling of peace, of being uplifted somehow.. I loved it..

And tomorrow, I am moving houses, to a new place, with a small garden that I will call mine, and a living room wall that I have painted bright lime-green color.. Tomorrow, I will sleep in a different place, and I will hopefully have different dreams..

I am done sulking, and I am done moping and pouting. Today, horrible horrible Valentine's Day, where disgusting show offs flash around their roses and pretend they are surprised (oh, give me a break, I'll be nice next year!) and then tilt their heads and tell you how 'different' their love is, how strong, how sincere.. How this and how that, while you politely nod your head in agreement.. I HATE this day, especially so this year. But today, I decided to be my own Valentine. I will go for a massage, read a good book, sitting on the floor of my still empty new house, and meditate on the line-green wall. Today, I will give myself that good shake that I need, and move on..

Happy (ugh!) Valentine's Day everyone..

Hell of a weekend...

I haven't felt as down as I feel these days, in a very long time.

It isn't about the Italian, as much as it is this feeling of being tired, exhausted, consumed, all the time. I can't talk to my friends. In fact, I have been playing a game of avoidance, all week long. I just have no strength, nor ability, to have conversations.

Messages are easier, they can't sense my tone, or see facial expressions. It is actual conversations that I can't seem to bear. At the same time, I have a constant feeling of feeling guilty towards them. The, being my best friend, my cousin with whom I have been staying for a week now, people at work. I feel guilty because people are being nice to me, and I do like that, I enjoy it.. But I can't be nice back, or talk, or feel better.

The pills I took to quit smoking are probably the reason. I know these are the side effects, and even though it has been 8 days since I stopped them, I still am suffering of the effects.. It'll pass, everything does.

Yesterday, at a social commitment that I couldn't possibly escape, I got stuck in a car with a couple that I know. The woman was being extremely irritating! For starters, she talks non-stop. Her husband was driving, and she was literally giving a continuous stream of driving rules: Take a right, avoid that car, what's that stupid guy doing, give a signal, straighten your back.. I swear, it was non-stop! The husband took it, as naturally as she was giving it. It was obvious that he was so used to it, that he probably didn't notice it anymore. For the entire evening we spent together, the wife was giving the man continuous orders and instructions about this, that or the other.

And I was thinking, this horrible depressing sad thought: How could she be in a relationship, and how could I be single?!!

I know this is an illogical question, and that there are no answers to such questions, nor any comfort that comes from it. I know also, that she probably is a nice woman, and that she deserves to be happy as much as anyone does. I know that I am being childishly selfish and that I am wallowing in self-pity..

There is no 'but' to follow this sentence. I just wanted to state that I know, all of the above.

Am I going to die alone?

Just some random thoughts

My mom and dad will be celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a week, and I have no idea what to give them. By now, I know they like gifts that have personal touches to them, something personalized.. Maybe I will prepare a big photo collage and frame it..

Work is very dull these days. My team requested a meeting with me yesterday, and 'nicely' told me that I have been bitching them around for the last week or so. I apologized, and will buy them lunch today. They did have a point, I know.

My cousin stepped in yesterday. She picked me up after work, and we went for a nice long lunch, somewhere beautiful, overlooking the sea. Then she took me to my house, packed me a bag, and took me back to her place where she decided I was going to stay with her that week. Girlfriends are good humans.

I have to start dieting again. My cousin is getting married in April, and I know that when I don't feel good about how I look, the whole thing becomes an ordeal. So.. One thing to think of..

I need to take slow steps, I know. I am a big girl, and I will go through whatever it is that I am going through these days. I just need to focus on a day at a time. A minute at a time. I don't think about him, and it doesn't hurt if I do. It hurts though when I think of how pathetic it is, having to strengthen myself time and time again, dare to believe it will beautiful one day, then get disappointed time after time, even without explanations sometimes. Like there is someone crazy mocking me out there..

One day at a time, that was what I was saying. I just want to switch off the thinking for now.

Dear Diary,

Today, I cried all day long. That's all I did, all day long.

Of breakups, and their horrid aftermaths..

Things with the Italian had a rather 'abrupt' ending this week.

I am not sure if I want to think about it, or talk about it just yet, so until I am, I won't. But I am thinking about breakups, in general.

Breakups are not easy, that is a given. However, what I find logical and what I actually feel often clash. I am trying to organize my thoughts, and to get to the root of certain thoughts that are surfacing these days.

Why do I feel shame, when I go through a breakup?

Ok, logically, it doesn't make sense. If I am the one initiating the breakup, then I would have reasons for it, I want it, and I got what I wanted, so there should be no confusion there.

If I am being broken up with, then, LOGICALLY, this means that the guy doesn't really love me, for whatever deep or trivial reason he may have, and would I really want him to stay with me, if he doesn't want to? Logically, I don't. Logically, I want to be with someone who wants to pursue me and make me happy and feeling wanted for the rest of my life. So logically, logically, logically: I should be on some level ok, as a 30 year old mature woman, to accept the fact that this is not the man who will grant me what I want.

Sadness, I understand. Shame, I don't.

I feel sad after a breakup, because I tend to draw a pink picture during the relationship, and think of a million steps ahead (despite being a very wise adviser to my friends about NOT doing that). I also enjoy the feeling of being wanted and watched after. And so, regardless of who it is that I am dating, I do feel sad and empty after a relationship (that feeling usually being relevant to how deep & significant that relationship was). I mourn it, and I feel sad that those dreams that I had won't be fulfilled, and that I have to be single again.

Shame.. Why do I feel ashamed when going through a breakup?? It triggers feelings of 'not being good enough' for a guy to stick around, and makes me feel that a guy would never want to build a lifetime with me. It makes me dwell in self-pity and with sad thoughts of a lonely future. It makes me feel like a failure at relationships, and that there must be something that I am doing wrong to make it happen, again and again and again.

The mind of a woman is a very complex place, I think. If a friend of mine was honest enough to share these thoughts with me, I would immediately snap at her, tell her what she thinking is absolute rubbish, and remind her of all the women who aren't as smart, pretty, successful, mentally balanced, mature, thin, brave, intellectual, and a million other things, as she is, who are in relationships. Yet, I can't be as sincere saying that to myself! Isn't that just plain ridiculous, considering I know myself and all my strengths and good qualities better than I know those of any of my friends?

Sometimes, I feel that maybe only I have these thoughts. I mean, some of my girlfriends never express shame after a break up, and so I don't really know if these thoughts are ones that only I have, or not. But, I am such a good bluffer myself, that I seldom mention them to anyone (except for my best friend).

Maybe I have self confidence issues.

I am sad, very very sad. I haven't allowed myself to consider a relationship and take it seriously in a long long time. And mourning this is difficult. I know, through unfortunate experience, that it will pass, and that somehow I will find my strength again, and that I will be ok. But even that thought depresses me now. It makes me think: Life is so damn cruel, because we have absolutely no control over anything. And I HATE that.

I am allowed to bitch, I just went through a breakup.

The weird sides of a character..

For some reason, and since I moved to this boring boring city a couple of years ago, I have a constant feeling of waiting for something to happen. I am not sure what it is though, and so I am scared that 'it' may actually happen and that I wouldn't recognize it..

I am complex, I know that..


I am very social by nature, and having no friends here has been a struggle. I do have the occasional cup of coffee or a dinner with colleagues every once in a while. But what I truly miss are my friends with whom I can be completely myself, and enjoy a relaxed laid back conversation with. And maybe that is what I am waiting for. Friends who will urge me to leave my bed and laptop, and move my car across town WILLINGLY, to actually meet them. And be happy about it!


The worst comment someone can make though is: But you don't go out, how will you meet people and make friends, then?

To me, that is just plain stupid. Because let's imagine it: I go out to a nice decent coffee shop, on my own. And I see at the next table a nice crowd of people whom I can tell, even from a distance, that we will be BFFs. What's the next step, in this very realistic scenario? I mean honestly, should I walk up to their table, introduce myself, and ask to be friends with?

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

So I live for my weekends, when I get the chance to go 'home' and meet my family and my real friends.. But I get so bored during the week. And I despise the weekends that I have to work, because I have no plans after hours.

Last year, I tried knitting. I'm serious.

I read a lot, and I watch series, and I have been using my treadmill at long last. But aren't we social creatures?

What am I waiting for.. Aside from friends?

I think I am going to read "The Passion Test", again and again and again. I love this book, and I for sure know it works, because amazing things have happened to me to prove it.. I need a refreshment dose.

I get off my medication, and hopefully my blues, next week! I literally can't wait! I may have destroyed a few things along the way though..

But I am not smoking anymore, and so it is definitely worth it.

I don't want to talk about the Italian today. I don't want to think about him today, either.

But I am thinking about him, right?

Ughhhh, who am I kidding...

Well, he's still busy, and I am applying the I-can-be-busy too technique, and not enjoying the process at all.

I met a great woman last night, with whom I think I can easily become friends with by the way.. And she was telling me about a friend of hers, who is having problems with her boyfriend because she's always busy and isn't the type of person who can make plans, while her boyfriend is the exact opposite.

I almost suggested switching boyfriends.. But hey, I didn't!

I love me. This is who I am. And if gritting my teeth (that he can't see considering he's thousands of miles away) and pretending to be busy and not thinking about him (while secretly boiling on the inside) is what makes me happy, then I am doing that. And I won't judge me. It's ok.. We all have our weirdo sides, I suppose.

This is getting too crazy :)

Enjoy your weekend everyone!