A good move

I moved houses over the weekend, and I am IN LOVE with my new place.. I had a house-warming gathering over the weekend, a big barbecue lunch, for my parents and my cousins, to celebrate that I now have a backyard and some green spots that I own.. It was very pleasant, and the entire move and the very busy weekend were a change that I really needed.

I am seriously thinking of getting a puppy.. I adore dogs, and I can now get one since I have a little garden.. Yes, a puppy would be nice.

My spirits are picking up again, one way or the other. I want to start focusing on things that make me happy again.. I want to resume my diet, which I have abruptly stopped two weeks ago, and to go to the gym. I still am going for my Italian classes, although I skipped last week. I want to remember that my main new year resolution was to be happy, and to start doing things that move me towards that direction.

To summarize what happened with the Italian, I would say that what he basically wants is very different than what I want. Despite being 42 years, and despite the fact that he told me he wants to have kids (3 actually!) I don’t think he really wants to settle down. I, on the other hand, admit to have had a lot of flings, some of which I really enjoyed at the time. But I am done with them for now. I am looking for something else. Something deep and stable and fulfilling.

I usually say that I am not looking for marriage... That, as a matter of fact, I yearn for companionship. And I still feel that way. I want a relationship with someone with whom I can be entirely myself at all times, and with whom I can have fun with. I also really and desperately want to be with someone I can rely on. A person I can trust to love me always. If that comes in the form of marriage, then so be it. That is what I have always said.

But, on some level, I do want a marriage too. Not only for the trivial reasons of a wedding (I have chosen the dress, the theme, the center pieces, the songs..etc a couple of years ago), but because on some level, and even though I don’t like admitting this, I am programmed to believe that that is what a long real relationship is defined as. Of course, being an Arab woman as well, and despite having an open-minded and an understanding family, it is difficult to have a relationship with this ‘companion’ and share experiences in the open, unless it is defined by marriage. Practically speaking, then, I do want to get married.

A part of me is always scared to admit that, because I am scared of admitting to want something that I have no control over. I can dream of a great career, or a healthy & fit body, because I can work my way towards these goals. To admit that I want a marriage brings me to the realization that I can’t actually ‘work’ on that. I can’t do anything about it, really, because I can’t even settle for anyone who proposes through traditional marriage. I am not settling. This, I am so sure of.

So what do we, Arab women, do then?

I dream.

I have mentioned before that I am a believer in The Secret, and the power of positive thinking. And this, I have control over. I can and I want to dream. About what I want, in detail. I want to be positive, and to BELIEVE. I want to stop asking for things shyly, or making excuses for things because I am too scared to believe that I will get them.
I want to get married, some day. And I want it to be a great, loving marriage.
I am going to stop (for a while) thinking about miserable marriages that I seem to be seeing everywhere around me, and notice, rather, those happy ones. I am going to look for these, and positively say to myself: I want this, too.
I am going to keep looking for wedding stuff, and enjoy the process, without dwelling about never knowing when will I ever get to actually use them..

It may all seem silly and unrealistic to some people, and even for me in my bad days. But then again, I have always been an advocate for positive thinking, and at the end of the day if I end up enjoying the process, I would be having fun either way, wouldn’t I?


I have no internet at home yet, and I am only connected through my phone’s hotspot, which makes me want to scream. I want to write so much more, but if I go on, I will end up smashing my laptop at the wall..

I am filled with love tonight.. Towards everything around me, I feel love...
Except to my internet connection!

My Valentine..

I went to Virgin Mega Stores last night, and spent a fortune.. I bought some very good CDs though.. I love the music collection they have.. I love the song 'La vie en rose' by Edith Piaf, and I found a new version:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0qQycHDaVw

And it just gave me a feeling of peace, of being uplifted somehow.. I loved it..

And tomorrow, I am moving houses, to a new place, with a small garden that I will call mine, and a living room wall that I have painted bright lime-green color.. Tomorrow, I will sleep in a different place, and I will hopefully have different dreams..

I am done sulking, and I am done moping and pouting. Today, horrible horrible Valentine's Day, where disgusting show offs flash around their roses and pretend they are surprised (oh, give me a break, I'll be nice next year!) and then tilt their heads and tell you how 'different' their love is, how strong, how sincere.. How this and how that, while you politely nod your head in agreement.. I HATE this day, especially so this year. But today, I decided to be my own Valentine. I will go for a massage, read a good book, sitting on the floor of my still empty new house, and meditate on the line-green wall. Today, I will give myself that good shake that I need, and move on..

Happy (ugh!) Valentine's Day everyone..

Hell of a weekend...

I haven't felt as down as I feel these days, in a very long time.

It isn't about the Italian, as much as it is this feeling of being tired, exhausted, consumed, all the time. I can't talk to my friends. In fact, I have been playing a game of avoidance, all week long. I just have no strength, nor ability, to have conversations.

Messages are easier, they can't sense my tone, or see facial expressions. It is actual conversations that I can't seem to bear. At the same time, I have a constant feeling of feeling guilty towards them. The, being my best friend, my cousin with whom I have been staying for a week now, people at work. I feel guilty because people are being nice to me, and I do like that, I enjoy it.. But I can't be nice back, or talk, or feel better.

The pills I took to quit smoking are probably the reason. I know these are the side effects, and even though it has been 8 days since I stopped them, I still am suffering of the effects.. It'll pass, everything does.

Yesterday, at a social commitment that I couldn't possibly escape, I got stuck in a car with a couple that I know. The woman was being extremely irritating! For starters, she talks non-stop. Her husband was driving, and she was literally giving a continuous stream of driving rules: Take a right, avoid that car, what's that stupid guy doing, give a signal, straighten your back.. I swear, it was non-stop! The husband took it, as naturally as she was giving it. It was obvious that he was so used to it, that he probably didn't notice it anymore. For the entire evening we spent together, the wife was giving the man continuous orders and instructions about this, that or the other.

And I was thinking, this horrible depressing sad thought: How could she be in a relationship, and how could I be single?!!

I know this is an illogical question, and that there are no answers to such questions, nor any comfort that comes from it. I know also, that she probably is a nice woman, and that she deserves to be happy as much as anyone does. I know that I am being childishly selfish and that I am wallowing in self-pity..

There is no 'but' to follow this sentence. I just wanted to state that I know, all of the above.

Am I going to die alone?

Just some random thoughts

My mom and dad will be celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a week, and I have no idea what to give them. By now, I know they like gifts that have personal touches to them, something personalized.. Maybe I will prepare a big photo collage and frame it..

Work is very dull these days. My team requested a meeting with me yesterday, and 'nicely' told me that I have been bitching them around for the last week or so. I apologized, and will buy them lunch today. They did have a point, I know.

My cousin stepped in yesterday. She picked me up after work, and we went for a nice long lunch, somewhere beautiful, overlooking the sea. Then she took me to my house, packed me a bag, and took me back to her place where she decided I was going to stay with her that week. Girlfriends are good humans.

I have to start dieting again. My cousin is getting married in April, and I know that when I don't feel good about how I look, the whole thing becomes an ordeal. So.. One thing to think of..

I need to take slow steps, I know. I am a big girl, and I will go through whatever it is that I am going through these days. I just need to focus on a day at a time. A minute at a time. I don't think about him, and it doesn't hurt if I do. It hurts though when I think of how pathetic it is, having to strengthen myself time and time again, dare to believe it will beautiful one day, then get disappointed time after time, even without explanations sometimes. Like there is someone crazy mocking me out there..

One day at a time, that was what I was saying. I just want to switch off the thinking for now.

Dear Diary,

Today, I cried all day long. That's all I did, all day long.

Of breakups, and their horrid aftermaths..

Things with the Italian had a rather 'abrupt' ending this week.

I am not sure if I want to think about it, or talk about it just yet, so until I am, I won't. But I am thinking about breakups, in general.

Breakups are not easy, that is a given. However, what I find logical and what I actually feel often clash. I am trying to organize my thoughts, and to get to the root of certain thoughts that are surfacing these days.

Why do I feel shame, when I go through a breakup?

Ok, logically, it doesn't make sense. If I am the one initiating the breakup, then I would have reasons for it, I want it, and I got what I wanted, so there should be no confusion there.

If I am being broken up with, then, LOGICALLY, this means that the guy doesn't really love me, for whatever deep or trivial reason he may have, and would I really want him to stay with me, if he doesn't want to? Logically, I don't. Logically, I want to be with someone who wants to pursue me and make me happy and feeling wanted for the rest of my life. So logically, logically, logically: I should be on some level ok, as a 30 year old mature woman, to accept the fact that this is not the man who will grant me what I want.

Sadness, I understand. Shame, I don't.

I feel sad after a breakup, because I tend to draw a pink picture during the relationship, and think of a million steps ahead (despite being a very wise adviser to my friends about NOT doing that). I also enjoy the feeling of being wanted and watched after. And so, regardless of who it is that I am dating, I do feel sad and empty after a relationship (that feeling usually being relevant to how deep & significant that relationship was). I mourn it, and I feel sad that those dreams that I had won't be fulfilled, and that I have to be single again.

Shame.. Why do I feel ashamed when going through a breakup?? It triggers feelings of 'not being good enough' for a guy to stick around, and makes me feel that a guy would never want to build a lifetime with me. It makes me dwell in self-pity and with sad thoughts of a lonely future. It makes me feel like a failure at relationships, and that there must be something that I am doing wrong to make it happen, again and again and again.

The mind of a woman is a very complex place, I think. If a friend of mine was honest enough to share these thoughts with me, I would immediately snap at her, tell her what she thinking is absolute rubbish, and remind her of all the women who aren't as smart, pretty, successful, mentally balanced, mature, thin, brave, intellectual, and a million other things, as she is, who are in relationships. Yet, I can't be as sincere saying that to myself! Isn't that just plain ridiculous, considering I know myself and all my strengths and good qualities better than I know those of any of my friends?

Sometimes, I feel that maybe only I have these thoughts. I mean, some of my girlfriends never express shame after a break up, and so I don't really know if these thoughts are ones that only I have, or not. But, I am such a good bluffer myself, that I seldom mention them to anyone (except for my best friend).

Maybe I have self confidence issues.

I am sad, very very sad. I haven't allowed myself to consider a relationship and take it seriously in a long long time. And mourning this is difficult. I know, through unfortunate experience, that it will pass, and that somehow I will find my strength again, and that I will be ok. But even that thought depresses me now. It makes me think: Life is so damn cruel, because we have absolutely no control over anything. And I HATE that.

I am allowed to bitch, I just went through a breakup.